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The Fairytale of the Criminal Who Didn’t Pass a Gun Background Check and Ceased Being a Criminal As a Result

Once upon a time, there was a criminal who lived in an utterly fairytale land.

He had been convicted for various offenses, such as robbery, domestic violence, even assault. Despite paying numerous “debts to society,” his time in prison had not altered his moral conscience, for not only did he possess a heart as hard as stone, but his time around fellow criminals and the criminal justice system had cemented in him a desire to break the law and take advantage of other people.

He decided to commit yet another offense, and for the task, he wanted a gun. His search for a gun took him to his local sporting goods store, which was reportedly the only place possible for a person to obtain one. As he went to purchase a gun, however, he found himself confronting the dreaded background check form, a form mandated by law that had the power to stop the transaction.

The law, as all laws in this fairytale land did, contained magical powers. Whenever a law was passed with the supposed good intentions and argued in favor of by those pure in spirit, those who attempted to break the law were deprived of their free will to do so.

The good intentions of the law, rather than the law itself, forced the criminal to comply with the statues therein….though these powers for some unknown reason did not apply to their laws on theft, rape, murder, kidnapping, identity fraud….in fact, it didn’t really apply to most laws.

Despite knowing he had no chance against the background check, he nevertheless filled out the paperwork anyways.

Surely enough, he failed. Upon learning of his failure, the criminal hung his head low in resignation and moped out of the sporting goods store.

“Alas,” he declared in solemnity. “I might have gotten away with it, if it hadn’t been for that meddling background check law.”

In consequence, the criminal was unable to purchase a firearm anywhere else, still blinded by the magic of the law. Stymied in his efforts to commit violence, the criminal found himself at an impasse. He could not go back to taking advantage of his fellow man until he obtained a gun, for in this fairytale land violent crimes could only be committed with a firearm.

Finally it came to pass that the criminal, though he underwent no change of heart, unwilling renounced his criminality. The good people of the land rejoiced at the success of their background check law.

And they lived happily ever after…….

Until, that is, these people attempted to implement such a law in a faraway land called Reality, albeit they still thought it was a part of their fairytale land. They were also undeterred when they were told the law violated the rights of the people to keep and bear arms. There was even a document stating that the right “shall not be infringed.”

Yet, the law was passed, anyways.

The people did not realize that in the realm of Reality, no such magical powers existed. Therefore, the law was only obeyed by those who of their own free will chose to obey it. None of them, as it turned out, were criminals.

Thus, when the criminals sought to obtain guns, they simply called up their black market supplier/fence and said “I need a Glock, what can you do for me?” For those who were unable to obtain a firearm by these unlawful but perfectly realistic means, they were content to carry out their crimes with the use of knives, baseball bats, machetes, and other blunt objects.

In the end, the law-abiding obeyed the law, the criminals broke the law, as criminals are known to do, and the fairytale folk watched in abject confusion. Eventually, the law-abiding grew tired of obeying a law that wasn’t intended for them and ignored by those for whom it was intended.

So they formed groups like, passed anti-commandeering legislation so that their state authorities wouldn’t enforce the law, and refused to comply with it.

Because the law required someone to enforce it, and the states refused to do so, it was effectively nullified and ceased to infringe upon the right of the people to keep and bear arms.

And the people of Reality, at least those who acknowledged they lived there, rejoiced.